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This post was created in partnership with Little, Brown & Co. All opinions are my own.

The Men’s Room. It’s a bright, yet somewhat mysterious place. We all know what happens in this room, but do we all know about the true rules of the rest room that guides men each and every day. When a man find’s himself in the confines of such an environment, it can go one of three ways. The first would include the man feeling fear, angst, and indecision about how he should conduct himself. The second would involve a man that has no clue, really, and may follow the rules with or without realizing it. The third and final scenario involves a strong and confident man that knows his way around a men’s room. A man that knows the do’s and the don’ts of said room. He’s a worldly man, a man that knows how to handle his business (oh, you bet that pun was most certainly intended).

So, for all of the men, women, and children reading this right now, I present to do without any further unnecessary delay or dramatic build-up, Guy and the Blog’s Big Guide to Men’s Room Do’s and Don’ts:

Do:

  • Be Aware of Your Surroundings
    • Perform a quick scan of the space. Notice things like cleanliness, layout, convenience, and amenities. Does this space look and feel right and good? Does it make you want to do your business and enjoy your time there. Analyze and assess.
  • Note The Location of All Other Men
    • Once you’ve scanned, it’s time to go in for the kill. Will this be a #1 or a #2? I really dislike #2 in public spaces, no matter how well the space performed during the scan. Skeeves me big time. Once this has been established, it’s time to make your big decision.
  • Determine Where Will You Be “Doing”
    • Once you know the situation, you must make a wise decision. This is critical as you don’t want to embarrass yourself or make yourself and others feel uncomfortable. The Men’s Room should be a place of ease, of sanctuary. Choose wisely…and see the Dont’s below for more.
  • Handle Your Business With Haste
    • Yes, it is a sanctuary, but, no, the Men’s Room is not a spa. Get in, handle business, get out. There is no time to lolly-gag around. If you need to speak with your buddy about something, make it fast. People have things to do and you have placed to be. Don’t make others around you question the length of your stay. Nobody wants that.
  • Clean Up
    • Make sure you wash your hands and even, though some water on your face and neck. Refresh a bit and come out better than before. I wish more places had those fancy bathrooms with the attendants and the mints. Those are awesome. When they do not, wash up, fix your hair, tuck your shirt in, make sure you are neat and clean. Take the time to make it a “beauty break” as well as a bathroom break.
  • Get Back Out There
    • Once you’re all set, get right back out there. It’s time to mingle, man. Make haste! You don’t want to be “that guy” that was in the Men’s Room for way too long.

Do Not:

  • Go Without A Plan
    • You wouldn’t go on a road trip without a map or GPS would you? Then don’t go flying blindly into the Men’s Room. Know your purpose and know why you came.
  • Get Too Close
    • Is there anything worse than a guy that grabs the stall next to you when there are ten others open? Hardly. It’s weird, it’s awkward, it’s wholly inappropriate. It’s devastating, so don’t do it. It’s better for everyone involved. Find a stall, wait a bit. If it’s packed and you must, then do it quietly and quickly. They will understand.
  • Unbutton Your Pants
    • You know you have a zippered fly for a reason, right, son? That’s where you pee from. Just unzip, do not unbutton. Odd, not good. If you are doing more than peeing, than there’s no problems. In that case, make sure your pants don’t hit the stall floor. Terrible.
  • Sing or Chit Chat
    • Don’t get me wrong, something about the water and the acoustics. It makes me want to drop a diddy, too. But when people are there taking care of business, the songs of a stranger are annoying and unsettling. What’s worse, having someone try to have a conversation with you. There’s a time and a place for that. This is not the time nor the place. Zip the lip and go about your business like a professional.
  • Peek
    • This is just bizarre. Why would you want to check out what’s going on with your neighbor. It’s not a good idea anywhere, let alone here. Please refrain and if this is something you have a problem doing, then seek help immediately.
  • Leave Without Washing Your Hands
    • Sorry, but it’s disgusting. I don’t need to touch anything that was touched by your unwashed hands, whether near the Men’s Room or not. Just take the minute and do it. And then, take another 30 seconds and dry your hands. Wet metal door knobs are a terrible, terrible experience for the next 5 guys leaving after you. Be considerate, be civil.

Well, there you have it. I think that is about it. I may be missing some things, but these are the main points I think any man or boy needs to follow and follow to the letter. No audibles here, men, just stick to the book and follow the rules I’ve set out for you. Society as a whole will be much better for it.

Friends don’t let friends not follow my Men’s Room Rules.

This list was inspired by a laugh I had after reading a really wonderfully illustrated, humorous book from the world’s #1 bestselling writer and his son that shows how humans and penguins really aren’t that different after all.

Penguins – our lovable, cute, flightless friends who are constantly dressed for a formal occasion – have always fascinated humans. As we shuffle through life one day at a time, it’s easy to take things far too seriously, but when we see penguins taking a walk in our shoes it’s impossible not to recognize how silly we can actually be. Featuring humorous illustrations with captions that show penguins in the day-to-day situations that we’ve all experienced – from a relaxing day at the beach to a stressful morning commute – PENGUINS OF AMERICA is a hilarious and charming send-up of daily life.

Do you want to check out the book and win some swag? Fill out the form below to win a copy of Penguins of America and $100 Visa gift card!!!!*

Penguins of America Book and Gift Card

To find out more about this very fun and very clever book, please:

About the Book and the Author

PENGUINS OF AMERICA is James Patterson’s first book with his son, Jack. His son’s love of penguins was the original inspiration for the book. When Jack was 5 years old, he told his father he should write a book about penguins. Twelve years later, we have PENGUINS OF AMERICA, a collaborative creation between father and son.

James Patterson received the Literarian Award for Outstanding Service to the American Literary Community at the 2015 National Book Awards. His other awards include two Emmys, the Edgar Award, and the Children’s Choice Award for Author of the Year. He is a tireless champion of the power of books and reading, exemplified by his new children’s book imprint, JIMMY Patterson, whose mission is simple: We want every kid who finishes a JIMMY Book to say: “PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER BOOK.” He has donated more than one million books to students and soldiers and has over four hundred Teacher Education Scholarships at 24 colleges and universities. He has also donated millions to independent bookstores and school libraries. Patterson will be investing proceeds from the sales of JIMMY Patterson Books in pro-reading initiatives.

*Giveaway open to US addresses only; prizing provided by Little, Brown & Co.

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